It's been a while. It's friggin' May!
It’s been a while. So sorry about that.
I am leading a triple life. One is based in Alabang. One is based in Pioneer. The other is kind of in San Francisco. Let me explain. But first…
The thesis is so not happening. I think I will probably crank it out because that’s what I do - that’s what I HAVE TO DO - but it’s not going to be any good and I’ll probably look back at my short stories and shudder in 5 years. But at least I can say that I finished my thesis/MFA. Jhumpa Lahiri said that she often lets her stories breathe and grow for a couple of years before looking at them again - so if she can do it, then I can do it, too!
A few new developments:
1. I’m going to see someone about my panic attacks tomorrow. I’m anxious, relieved and apprehensive all at once. Anxious and apprehensive because we are in Manila and I am not sure how thorough, progressive, non-judgemental, cognitive and respectful counseling/therapy is over here. But my mind is put at ease because the person I am seeing is a family friend and someone who used to live abroad as well (Indonesia, in fact) and I actually know her kids (now adults, one of whom is a doctor) from our time together at JIS.
In all honesty, this whole thing has really transformed and enlightened my entire being. It’s like I am looking at an entirely different person sometimes. But 99% of the time, I offer up to myself some compassion and I remind myself that I am still me, I still had a kickass childhood, an awesome education, have fantastic friends and memories and experiences, and that I’m a bright and sprightly individual for the most part :) and that the panic - it’s just a glitch, but one that can’t and shouldn’t be ignored.
Let me describe it to you like this. There are 24 hours in a day. For 23 of them, I am absolutely fantastic. But for a collective 60 minutes, I am not OK at all. And those 60 minutes can be 20 minutes in the car, 10 minutes before I go to bed, 5 minutes while I’m at the grocery store and 25 minutes while I am sitting in front of my computer. It is that random, widespread, all-encompassing.
It has to stop. Sometimes I just have to pause. I believe that it will stop and that it is within me and my Faith to empower myself to stop.
2. My aunt is dying. We have set up a hospital room in our Alabang home for her. My Ina (grandma) is with us. My mom is basically her caretaker and nurse and friend and …everything. And my dad and I care for my mom when she is not caring for my aunt. It is humbling and life-affirming and frightening and sometimes quite sad to see, but it’s life. If or once she chooses to get off her meds, her doctor has given her about 4 weeks to live.
3. We’re moving to San Francisco, California!!! Jay and I are so incredibly happy that we are going after our dreams and not letting my panic attack or the recession or haters and neighsayers stop us. The more you tell us “hindi pwede” or “bakit ngayon pa?” the more it eggs us on - so bring it.
One thing we’ve learned - LIFE GOES ON. Despite illness and death and whatever economic situation - life must go on and there is no use fighting against the current. And the current is taking us to Northern Cali, baby. With our Faith and our faith in each other, we’re embarking on this journey and there hasn’t been a moment where we don’t smile when thinking about it.
“The present is a gift / and I just wanna / Be” - Common
